This is a real conversation that I had, and it is featured in my book, Sex Before Dinner, which you can buy here. It’s a little outrageous, but I had had it with poor customer service and convenience fees that are only convenient for the one issuing said fees. Without further adieu, here is the conversation between three workers at a bank and I–solid gold!
Teller: You want a cashier’s check in the amount of $45,000?
Teller: Ok Mr. Moss, there is an $8 charge for a cashier’s check.
Me: I am not interested in paying $8 to get my money, so I will take cash.
Teller: You want $45,000 in cash?
Me: Or a cashier’s check, or money order, either way.
Teller: There is an $8 fee for a cashier’s check.
Me: Yeah, I am not going to pay that, so I’ll take cash.
Teller: Let me get my manager.
Manager: Good afternoon, Mr. Moss, how can I help you?
Me: I need to withdraw $45,000.
Manager: There is an $8 fee for a cashier’s check.
Me: Yes, I know, but I am not going to pay that fee, so I will take cash.
Manager: Well, that’s a lot of cash, and we may not have it on hand.
Me: Ok, then I’ll take a cashier’s check.
Manager: Well, there is an $8 convenience fee for the cashier’s check.
Me: Alright, then I will just close the account. I believe I have around $49,000 in there. I will just close the account and take whatever payment you can give me.
Manager: Okay Mr. Moss, let me get you to a personal banker.
I waited for about 30 minutes. Normally, I would just pay the $8 and close my account, but today I had absolutely nothing to do and I was having a bit of fun with this. Plus, now you get a good story!
Banker: I am sorry you want to close your account Mr. Moss, why?
Me: Well, I came here just wanting to withdraw $45,000, but apparently you want to charge me a fee to do so. I am not keen on paying fees to access my money, so I would rather just close my account.
Banker: I see. Well, your balance is $49,582. How would you like that?
Me: Cashier’s check is fine. Cash is fine. Or a combination of the two.
Banker: There is an $8 convenience for a cashier’s check.
Me: Yes. I know. So, I guess I will take all cash.
Banker: We need a couple days of notice for that much cash usually.
Me: Well, what I do know is that the FDIC requires you to give me free access to my funds up to $250,000. So, I will take cash or a check or gold bars or anything else. And since I do not care how I receive my funds, the convenience of a cashier’s check is now for you, so I am not paying an $8 fee for your convenience. And now, you have lost a customer of 19 years because you wouldn’t waive an $8 fee or give me cash, which you are required to do in the first place.
A few moments later I received ten thousand dollars in cash and a cashier’s check for the remaining balance. I did not pay the $8. The teller, who was not happy, asked if I needed anything else. I said, “As a matter fact I do. Could you give me $100 worth of $5 bills and $100 worth of $10 bills? Thank you. I need change for a poker game later today.”
There is a backstory to all this, but…you’ll have to order my book to get all the details!